Back to work! Here’s what I’ve learned…

My maternity leave has come to an end. I’m so fortunate to have a job that I can take off 12 weeks to be able to spend that precious time with my new baby. But tomorrow I will return to work full time. Today is very bittersweet for me. My heart hurts at the thought of having to leave my precious girl to go to work every day. I treasure every moment I get with her at home. Our morning cuddles in bed, playing on the floor after her morning feeding, nursing & sleeping on whatever schedule we want… It’s been so nice. But, I have to say, it will feel somewhat good to get back to work. It’s weird not having daily interaction with adults. It’s also weird going to bed in the same thing I woke up in that morning. Haha! I’m not sure how Monday will go. Will there be tears? Loneliness without my girl? More tears? Maybe. Probably.

I’m really nervous about this week, too. How am I going to fit my work into my new life? I think my biggest concern is breastfeeding. How am I going to make sure I maintain my supply for my girl? I plan on blocking off certain times a day for pumping, but can I stick to it? Shoot, when I was pregnant, I hardly ever even got to take a lunch break! One of the most important things to me is for my girl to be exclusively breastfed. I’m just hoping and praying that going back to work will not negatively affect my supply.

I have a new respect for stay at home moms and dads. (Not that I didn’t before, but even more so.)

Child care is something that worries me…and it’s for stupid reasons. Luckily we do not need full time child care because of Leighton’s work schedule. Since he is home several days during the week, he will be taking care of her. For the days he is not home, care will be divvied up between my mom, mother-in-law, grandma and my sister who have all graciously agreed to give their time to watch her when needed. I guess my fear is that her routine won’t be the same all the time and I fear that somehow a day will get overlooked and Leighton will be on the road, I’ll have appointments all day and I’ll have forgotten to arrange for someone to watch her. I guess it would be easier, too, if our schedules were more predictable. Leighton’s somewhat is, mine is not at all. Plus, even though I can work a lot from home, I cannot take care of her and work. I can barely fold laundry and fix dinner alone with her…let alone do something that requires actual thought and my full attention! Haha! I know it will all work out and I’m getting worked up over nothing, but it’s part of that little section of my brain that has to have everything planned out perfectly.

I’ve learned a lot in 3 months at home and 9 1/2 weeks with a newborn. Needless to say, these last 11 1/2 weeks have been enlightening. I’ve learned so much and experienced even more.

I now understand why moms age their children in weeks during infancy and then months in the toddler years. Non-moms: here’s why. THEY GROW SO FAST! Since Vivienne was born, every week brings on new developments, new skills and new loves. So, to a parent, when you say 7 weeks or 9 weeks, we know the difference in those! And it’s so big! If you just say 2 months…it is such a vague description. So, I’m assuming once you get past the ‘weeks’ stage, it is the same for months. So much happens month to month, to call a 15 month old “a year old” is just too vague! I think we also do it partly because “8 weeks” sounds so much younger than “2 months.” It helps me not to be as sad that time is flying if I measure in weeks rather than months. Before I had Vivienne, I just could not understand why moms did this. Now I do! Oh, and same goes for pregnancy weeks!

During this time, I’ve also learned that, as much as I’d like to be one, I’m not cut out for the SAHM realm. It takes a very special person to do this and it is just not in my blood. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have loved being home these past 10 weeks with my girl, but the thought of having 5+ years of staying home every day, all day with kiddos is daunting. I don’t think I’m brave enough to do it! I don’t know how my mom did it! Seriously! Mad props. Although, if given the opportunity financially, I would stay home in a heartbeat

I’ve also learned that…

• Cloth diapers are amazing. Best decision I’ve ever made. Seriously. We even switched to cloth wipes. More on that later.
• It’s not as hard to get out and about with an infant as I previously thought.
• Natural labor and birth is possible and very much worth it!! More on that later, too.
• I’m not strong enough to to CIO with my girl. I just can’t. I wish I was because we’d probably be on a much better schedule by now but, alas, we are not.
• My husband is a natural. Seriously. Having never been around any babies (or births!) to speak of, he has taken on this new daddy role like he’s been doing it his whole life.
• Life will never “get back to normal.” THIS is the new normal.

I love being a momma and I love my sweet Vivienne!

Dear Vivienne: you are 9 weeks old

Dear Vivienne, You are 9 weeks old! Goodness! Time is flying by! Next week I have to go back to work. I’m so sad about it, but I am thankful for the 10 weeks I’ll have had at home with you.

This week you’ve discovered your hands. You hold them together, chew on them, suck on them and you’ve started batting at your toys. And really, not just batting but batting with a purpose! It’s so adorable. You’re so, so smart. I’m so proud of my baby girl.

We are SO close to getting a laugh out of you! In fact, the other night I DID hear you laugh but it was in your sleep. I was so excited to hear your little laugh and I can’t wait to hear one from you while you’re awake! We’re hearing lots of new sounds this week too! One that cracks me up, I can’t describe other than its the same sound your poppa makes when he laughs! So adorable. You’re drooling a little more, too, so now you sometimes make little spit bubbles. Haha!

We had your 2 month checkup on Monday and you were 13 lbs. 14 oz. and 24 inches long! 95th percentile in both! Such a big girl 🙂 You were healthy as a horse. We also got your first shot. It was pretty rough on momma. I definitely cried more than you did! Daddy was the bad guy and held you while you got your shot. Momma came in and held you tight after it was over…although it may have been more to console me than you! You got over it pretty quickly 🙂 The rest of the day you were a fussy, fussy baby. We had the option to wait until your 4 month visit to get your shot but we decided to do it that day. I regretted that later! I wished I had waited until your 4 month checkup!

Later that day, you had your very first trip to Joe T. Garcias! This is one of our most favorite places to eat. You got initiated at 9 weeks. Maybe next time we go you can have a taste of something! You slept through almost the entire dinner, though. ha! I go back to work next week. It’s going to be very rough on me but you probably won’t notice. At least you’ll be safe at home with your daddy!

Love you baby girl.

Love,

Momma

Dear Vivienne: You are 8 weeks old

It took me a while to edit this post, but here it is! 🙂 9 weeks coming tomorrow…

I’m laying in bed writing this as you snooze in your cradle next to me. I had already written the entire post but momma is not so smart sometimes and closed out the browser without saving. (I wonder if the “Jesus saves” joke will still be around when you read this? Well, if it’s not, ask me about it.)

Well, you’re snoozing away right now. I should be too but it’s hard for me to go to bed when I should. Plus, it’s pretty funny to hear you sigh, coo, snort and fart (like father, like daughter?) in your sleep. 🙂 Well, here’s the post!

My sweet girl, You are 8 weeks old today! And oh, how things are changing and growing with you. I love you so much and I love to see the daily changes in you! I used to keep a small basket in your cradle with diapers, wipes, changing pad, paci, etc. in it for late night needs. You were so tiny (if you can call it that!) when we brought you home that there was plenty of room for it and you. Well, last week your little legs started kicking that basket and it was getting in your way as you slept so I took it out. I can’t believe you’re so big!

Vivi, in the last two weeks you have grown developmentally by leaps and bounds! You are holding your head up incredibly well. You look at and take in everything around you. Your favorite things to look at are ceiling fans (moving or not), daddy’s MST3K posters and of course momma & daddy’s faces! These last two weeks your legs are getting stronger. You’re standing up in our laps more and prefer that to being cuddled a lot of the time!

You have begun your early stages of laughter this week. You’ve given us a couple of giggles. They’re absolutely adorable. I cannot wait to hear your precious laugh!

You are still very easygoing. You have your fussy moments, yes, but I can probably count on 2 hands the number of times I have really heard you cry. It’s pretty rare for you! I’m glad you’ve gotten that trait from your daddy.

It seems like you’re finally starting to look like me! I still don’t see it, but now that you’re getting older, more people are starting to comment on how much you look like me. Yay! My kid finally looks like mine! 😉 People still comment on your eyelashes. It is often the very first thing people notice about you. You can thank your daddy for those too!

About a week ago you also got to stay with your Poppa and Grammy for the first time. Momma and daddy went to dinner for our anniversary and you got to stay over while we celebrated four years of marriage! It was really hard for me to leave you. That isn’t the first time I’ve left you with someone, but it is the first time I left you with someone outside of our house! I told your daddy as we were driving away that my heart hurt. It really did. I was so incredibly sad to leave you. But, just a few hours later we picked you up and I was a happy momma again! I do not like leaving you. I absolutely hate it!

You’re growing out of your clothes faster than you can wear them! Most outfits you wear once and by the time we come back around to them, you’ve outgrown them. I sometimes don’t really realize how much you are growing until I put an outfit on you that was too big a week ago and now fits you quite snugly. Other times its when you’re nursing and I realize how heavy you are in my arms and how now I have to curve your little chunky legs around my waist so they aren’t hitting the armrest on the chair. I bought you an Easter outfit that was a size too big so you could wear it for longer. Well, when Easter came, it barely fit!! But, we got you in it and you looked adorable. Sometimes I’ll play the slideshow on my phone of all your pictures. That’s the one that brings me to tears. To see how much you’ve grown is just too much.

You really like your paci now. It’s hard for you to keep it in your mouth for a long time, but it stays there for a little while! Good thing you got momma to pop it back in. 🙂 Aunt Liz bought you a paci with a red puppy attached to it. It’s great because you wrap your little hands around it and it helps keep your paci in. Sometimes you’re even able to push it back in your mouth by yourself!

You got your first real bath by momma last week, too! We discovered it’s a good way to get you to relax and sleep so you’ve gotten one almost every night since then! You really like the water and you’re a happy baby while you’re in the bath, but not so happy when you get taken out! The good thing is, your unhappiness is short lived because as soon as we get to the changing table for diaper and jammies, you become mesmerized with daddy’s MST3K posters! Then you start talking and cooing and smiling at momma. When you get out of the bath, you’ve still got some curly hair. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have a wavy headed kid! Just like your Cici!

I can’t wait for the summer so we can get you into our new pool. You are going to love it! I can’t wait to go for swims with you!

You still don’t sleep during the day much, but most nights you sleep like a champ! One night you slept over NINE hours!!! Then you ate and slept another 3! You may have slept longer if the doorbell hadn’t rung and woken you up, dadgummit.

We also tried the bumbo this week. Not a fan. You are not. a. fan. We’ll try again later!

We think it must be pretty crazy being Vivienne. It seems like every time you go to sleep, you wake up in a different place and in someone else’s arms. You are incredibly loved. I’ll be surprised if your feet ever touch the ground before you are five. You are a blessed little girl and I am one blessed momma.

I love you sweet girl,

Love,

Momma

This was the only picture I have of you and me from the last two weeks. ha! You’re mad.

Mimi love

Hoo

Holding your head up like a champ!

Eating lunch with great-Papa

Play gym time! You’re liking the octopus

My “Normal” Pregnancy

I started this when I was 3 1/2 weeks postpartum. So, if some things sound untimely, that’s why. 🙂 Finally got the opportunity to finish it this week.

Oh how pregnancy changes the body! Pre- and post-birth! While I was pregnant, I didn’t mind feeling like a whale all that much. I knew it was temporary, and it was for a great reason. Post-birth, I’m ready to be back to normal. I know “normal” now will be a different normal than before, and I’m okay with that. However, it does not mean that I have to sit back and say, “Oh, pregnancy ruined my body, pass the ding dongs!” (Do they still make those?) These are just a few things I experienced (or am currently experiencing) that I didn’t quite feel prepared for! Here’s your prep-guide to everything I didn’t know about pregnancy and the weeks following!

Pre-Birth

So they tell you (and it’s quite obvious) that at some point (5 months for me) you won’t be able to sleep on your stomach anymore. No one tells you that you won’t be able to sleep on your back either! After countless nights of waking up feeling like I’d had 18 shots of tequila and then sitting up and all was normal, I was told by my midwife I can no longer sleep in my back. My precious darling was sitting on a vein that goes up my back to my head any time I was in my back! That cut the circulation off and made me feel drunk until I moved off of my back to allow blood to flow freely through the vein again. So for 5 months (yes, 5….I was pregnant 10 MONTHS, y’all. Do the math), I was enslaved to my left side or right side. Let me tell you, on top of the other trauma your hips are enduring with pregnancy, they do not appreciate being your only option for sleep. Talk about pain!!

I was lucky most of my pregnancy and I didn’t get accumulate any more stretch marks than I had before pregnancy. I didn’t have any on my belly, which was my biggest worry. My mother didn’t get any stretch marks on her stomach during pregnancy, and they say stretch marks are genetic because skin elasticity is genetic. However, THREE days before Vivi was born, stretch marks appeared above and below my belly button! Ugh! If she’d been on time…or even only 1 week late instead of 2, I wouldn’t have any! Well, even though its a bummer I got them, I’m not nearly as upset about it as I thought I would be. When I see them in the mirror, I’m not disgusted. They’re my baby battle scars. Proof that I created a life. Proof that my girl was in my belly and I gave birth to the best gift that’s ever been given to me. While I hope they at least fade one day, I’m okay with them being there. A reminder of my most precious gift. (On a side note, the linea nigra also appeared in my last days of pregnancy. So weird! It’s still there!)

Something that I went through during pregnancy that shocked me was, as some of you realized, I battled with some pretty awful depression for about the first six months. I hate it that I went through those times. I want to look back at my pregnancy and say how overjoyed and excited I was the entire time, but I wasn’t. I was sad, angry, confused and depressed for the majority of it. I have to realize that I can’t change the past. This is my story. This was my pregnancy and there is nothing I can do to change it.

I want to tell you ladies out there that, while I don’t know how “normal” it is, I battled depression during my pregnancy. If you are, make sure someone close to you knows and make sure you share your thoughts and feelings openly with them (my husband and my best friend were my confidants) and secondly, it will pass. I was depressed for months. I’d go through this vicious cycle. I was depressed and sad…then I’d feel depressed about being depressed because I have so many friends trying that would be overjoyed for a baby, I have no right to be sad. My best friend was ecstatic about her baby. Why couldn’t I be? Why couldn’t I take this blessing from God and embrace it? I felt guilt. Don’t do that to yourself. Pregnancy hormones are crazy. They make some people sick, some people nuts, some people over emotional. For me, they made me depressed. Luckily, this eventually passed. Around the end of October and beginning of November I finally started to see through the fog. I saw how ridiculous it was for me to cry at my 20 week sonogram. I realized how happy I was to be having a girl after all. I started to get excited about names and holding her in my arms. Slowly the fog lifted. By December I remember feeling like what I considered a “normal” pregnant woman should feel like. Happy, anxious, excited and ready.

Post-Birth

I was told that when you give birth, all those aches, pains and other pregnancy-related things disappear almost the minute you give birth. Before, I thought, “Yeah right! There’s no way.” I realized about 30 minutes after birth that the groin muscle that ailed me so bad in my last months of pregnancy no longer hurt! Then I realized I no longer had arthritis hands…and my back didn’t hurt…and my shoulders were relaxed! I could walk, turn over and sit up without pain! I was in shock! All that constant pain, magically gone! I was so excited.

Most of the pain did not return. However,  the pain in my groin pain with a vengeance about 3 days after she was born. A few days after that, so did the pains and aches in my hands. Only the pain in my hands is worse than it ever was during pregnancy. In the mornings, I have to pick Vivienne up with my forearms because I cannot grab her with my hands due to the pain. By mid morning, the pain is better but it continues to hurt throughout the day. That is a real bummer, I tell ya. Hopefully it goes away with time because about the only thing they can do is have me take ibuprofen.

The pain in my groin started out not as bad as it was during pregnancy. Over the last few weeks it has gotten worse and worse so I saw my midwife about it last Friday. It turns out, the pain is due to an infection in my lymph nodes. I’m on old school 10-day 4 times a day antibiotics so its taking time, but the pain is going away slowly but surely. I’ve been ordered two more weeks of recovery to ensure the pain and infection subside before it gets any worse.

Prior to having a baby, I didn’t think it took that long to recover form a “standard, uncomplicated vaginal delivery.” I seriously thought maternity leave was a couple weeks recovery and 4 weeks baby bonding and vacation. Boy was I wrong! At week 3.5, I really understood how and why recovery is 6 weeks long. I still couldn’t walk more than 100 feet without my undercarriage screaming at me in pain. Running? Forget it! I tried to run from my garage to the bedroom to grab something because we were running late and I nearly fell to my knees in pain. That was a very, very bad idea. Very bad. Very. It was awful. I hobbled the rest of the way to the bedroom and limped my way back to the car. After that, I wasn’t even sure I’d be recovered at 6 weeks! Luckily at 6 weeks I am mostly recovered!

Weight loss has been very good to me. I attribute it all to breastfeeding. At nearly 4 weeks postpartum, I was 3 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight. Please don’t hate me. Trust me in that, even though the weight is the same, it is not at all distributed the same. None of my pants fit (except one pair of jeans I used to have to wear a belt with but now fit snugly) and only some of my shirts fit (mostly tshirts). I cannot wait to get back to Crossfit and be able to fit into all my clothes again. (Yet another misconception I had. Thought I could work out 2 or 3 weeks postpartum. WRONG!)

Also, having no period for 9 months (well, 10 in my case) is great. However, you don’t think about the 5-6 weeks of postpartum bleeding that make up for half of it and THEN after, you have to constantly change the blasted breast pads! Which is just as annoying as having a period.

So basically, pregnancy does crazy things to you and I don’t think anything can really prepare you for it. Every body is different. Every pregnancy is different. Your body will do things that mine didn’t and vice versa. My second pregnancy will probably be totally different from my first. I wish that I hadn’t been so concerned with what is “normal” and just embraced my pregnancy for what it was. MINE. I would have had a much more relaxing pregnancy if I had just experienced it for what it was. Next time, I’ll know better. Nothing is normal and everything is normal. I needed to stop comparing my pregnancy to everyone else and just enjoy the peaks and valleys of my pregnancy. Regardless of anyone else’s experience.

I had some pretty significant depression during my pregnancy. That was tough. I felt like a bad person. I didn’t know anyone else that had been depressed during pregnancy so I thought this was abnormal. I was supposed to be happy and excited, not sad and depressed. Also, I did not have morning sickness. Instead, I had a meat aversion for most of my pregnancy. I’m not sure which is worse! I didn’t have any major swelling until, literally, the last day or two of pregnancy. I could barely walk for about the last 6 weeks of pregnancy due to a groin muscle in a ridiculous amount of pain. I didn’t eat nearly as well as I had envisioned myself eating pre-pregnancy. I’m still mad at myself for that. I was also not as active as I wanted to be. A lot of this was due to the fact I wasn’t eating enough to stay conscious through an entire workout. I was lucky to make it to my appointments at work without passing out!

There! That’s my pregnancy. It was normal. For me. My pregnancy experience is not normal for you. You will have and create your own normal. And you’ll look back on it and be proud of your pregnancy because it’ll be yours. Be proud of it! You made (or are making) a tiny human! That’s pretty freaking amazing right there.

In the end, my pregnancy was what it was. It wasn’t normal, but it also wasn’t unusual. It’s my story. It’s my story of how my precious girl came to be. I’m proud of my story. I’ve got a bright, bouncing happy baby girl to show for it. It is my badge. My badge proving that I created life. I gave life. Be proud of your badge. However “normal” or not that it may be.

Dear Vivienne: You are 6 weeks old

I wrote this Wednesday, but my internet wouldn’t cooperate…so, here it is!

My sweet girl. You are 6 weeks old today! And what a marvelous six weeks it has been. I am tired, exhausted, more sleep deprived than I’ve been in my whole life, yet I can’t think of a better way to have spent the last 6 weeks! Here’s a picture of you and my midwife, Jean, on your six week birthday!

You sleep less during the day now. You nap for anywhere between 20 minutes to 1 1/2 hours usually. This sometimes leaves you fussy and grumpy which, in turn, makes me very grumpy and frustrated. Luckily, you are never really crying. You just whine or fuss. You rarely ever just cry. I am very thankful for that! White noise still works to soothe you about 90% of the time. We still get a kick out of it! 🙂 Everyone always says what a good baby you are…and you really are.  This week you have started sleeping in 3-4.5 hour blocks at night. Momma is so excited! God has blessed us with such a good baby girl. We are so lucky!

Mimi still gives you baths. One of the times I have really heard you wail, I was trying to give you a bath. I decided that Mimi is much better at that than me! You never cry when she gives you a bath, and you seem to really love the water! We can’t wait for summer to get you into a pool! I’m sure you will be a water baby just like momma!

This week your personality has really started to show itself! First thing in the morning, you love to lay in your play gym and look, kick and coo. You and I sit and “talk” for a while every morning! You usually tire of that after 15 or 20 minutes and then you like to sit in my lap and make faces. We smile back and forth and sometimes you give me your burrowed brow grumpy face or the most pitiful sad face on the planet!

You’re getting so strong this week! From day 1 you have preferred being held upright resting your head on our shoulder rather than being cradled. But now you’re sometimes even getting tired of that! Now you like to sit in my lap and look at me, make faces and lean against my knees. You’ve also started standing up in my lap! In the afternoon you do sets of squats in my lap. It’s a joke between you and me that I’m training you for Karen when you’re old enough for CrossFit. You’ll stand up…squat down…stand up….squat down. We’ll go through this routine several times before you tire of it. We’ll make sure you’re a pro at squats!

You’re more content when waking up these days as well. You nap in the living room on the footstool or the couch on your Woombie. We let you sleep on your belly during the day and now when you wake up you just lift your head up and look around until someone notices and picks you up. You’re almost propping yourself up on your elbows. It’s adorable, really. You only cry…or whine, really…if no one notices for a while (like THAT ever happens!).

You’ve started sleeping all over the place! (In your cradle, that is.) from day 2 you have rolled over on your right side and worked your way to the edge of the cradle. When you used to do that it would wake you up and you’d get mad because it was uncomfortable. Now, you’ll work your way to the right edge and back to your back again. Sometimes I wake up and you’re completely sideways in the cradle! We keep a small bin in the cradle that holds a change of diapers, wipes, changing pad, etc. but yesterday I noticed your feet are almost touching it… When we brought you home, you weren’t even close! I’m going to have to find a new place for it! My little baby is growing so fast…

It’s hard to remember just 4 weeks ago when you weren’t doing any of these things. I sometimes wish that I could just press a button and get any aged Vivienne I ask for. I want to go back and cuddle with my little 2 week old…but then I want to come right back and see my six week old’s beautiful gummy smile! It makes momma sad (I’m crying RIGHT NOW) that in another 4 weeks I am going to wish to go back to right now.

I spend every moment I can with you. We still rock to sleep every night and some nights you even get to sleep in bed with me if I’m is really tired. Even when you’re not in bed with me, you sleep mere inches from me in a cradle right next to the bed. That’s so I can reach down and give you kisses or hold your tiny little hand any time I wake up and want to see your sweet face or feel your little baby skin.

I love you so much, baby girl. Happy 6 weeks, my precious!

Love,

Momma