I’m sure most of you are tired of hearing how I’m not enjoying pregnancy, I’m not excited, I complain that everything is a little too perfect and I cried for a half hour when I found out I was having a girl…and not happy tears.
But really, I am so lucky.
I am incredibly fortunate.
I am blessed beyond belief.
But I cannot help these persistent feelings in my brain. I’m sad. Almost always. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, eat anything, drink anything. Just a general blasé feeling. I am trying to work my way through this and through my sadness. I don’t know why it’s happening or how to fix it but I am working on what I know I can change to see if I can get through this with my sanity.
I’m sorry for anyone I’ve offended, upset or annoyed by the things I’ve said or the ways I have acted. However, just know that I really don’t mean for it to be this way. I’ve really made a conscious decision this weekend to not vomit all of those feelings on those around me. I don’t want to look back on this and think, “Jeez, that was a sad time for me.” I want to look back and remember all the things I was happy about and excited about. But, at this point all I’m going to remember is crying tears of fear and sadness when I told my mom I was pregnant and bawling my eyes out for half an hour at my 20 week sonogram, upsetting my husband, and making a fool of myself in front of the office staff all because of…because of what? I’m having a healthy baby? I’m having zero complications? Wow…how selfish they must have seen me as I left that office in tears. When most moms that leave that office in tears have a legitimate reason to be sad and upset. I’m still mortified thinking about it. In fact, it’s pretty hard to even type. Selfish. That’s the only word for that.
But, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling this way and I’m tired of dumping these BS feelings on good people that are probably thinking I’m getting crazier by the minute.
I’m changing two things that I know will affect my mood in a positive way if I could just get the motivation enough to do them.
First of all, I am changing my activity level. Unfortunately, early on in my pregnancy, rather than getting morning sickness, I got I-find-nothing-appetizing-so-I-just-won’t-eat sickness. As a result of that I was unable to work out when I wanted to due to the fact I had eaten very little and spent most of my days on the verge of falling over from dizziness or passing out from low blood sugar. I was out of CrossFit for the better part of 12 weeks before I finally gave up and put my membership on hold. At this point, after about 18 weeks of little to no activity, I don’t think it would be safe to go back to what is “normal” to me. But I will change my activity. I’m researching studios that offer specific yoga classes for pregnant women (recommendations, anyone??) and I’m hoping to get into a running routine (I was doing pretty good about 4 months ago… ;)).
Secondly, my diet. Due to not eating much, I was mostly eating crap food. Instead of sticking to my Paleo ways, I was just reaching for whatever was quick and I could gather up and eat with as little energy as possible (sometimes I was so light headed that the thought of standing up to cook almost made me pass out just thinking about it.) On top of that, my husband wasn’t even in the country most of that time to help me cook meals or plates for me to eat. Now that he’s back on solid American ground and I’m back to being able to eat (mostly) normal, we can get back on track. I still have a strange aversion to most meat about half the time but sometimes I can sneak it in! This will be the goal.
My mood started to change for the worse almost exactly in line of when I stopped working out and stopped eating right. I don’t see how they cannot be related to the moodiness and the sadness.
I’ll fix it.
But in the meantime if I don’t want to talk about it (whatever “it” may be at the time) and if I don’t want to look at pink bows, tutus, and frilly dresses, bear with me. It will pass.
Thank you for your patience…
P.S. A list of praises, YAYs, and cheers
- My pregnancy has been largely uneventful. No morning sickness (Uh, YEAH!), no leg cramps, no…er…bathroom problems to speak of…it’s been great overall (aside from my sour mood)
- No cravings. Not a one.
- I have some amazing…super…supportive…understanding…loving…non-judgmental…I can go on and on…friends out there. Shout out to Melissa L., Rachel S., Rachel V. and Kim L., specifically.
- No maternity clothes needed yet!
- In the midst of all of this, I got a promotion AND a raise at main job #1. (I have 4 jobs of some sort…in case you didn’t know 😉 )
- Baby’s 20 week sonogram confirmed baby is healthy, thriving and in the “normal” and “average” range for everything. Thank God!!
- My husband is ecstatic 🙂 (one of us needs to be, right??)
- Grandparents are beside themselves, especially after the gender news
- Baby has two very anxious aunts awaiting the arrival with lots of love and (hopefully) babysitting hours